How to Make a Bookish Writer Girl Freak Out and Other Things You Always Wanted to Know

Q. I'm a sweet gamer guy. How do I get a bookish writer girl to marry me?

A. Be the sweetest dude in the world and ask her nicely of course! But first, discuss marriage (and all that it entails) at length and decide that you will become officially engaged and announce it on a particular date (like her birthday, which is today). Then DON'T bring it up for a while. Shy away from conversations about it because you are planning a surprise. This course of action will inevitably drive her crazy and make her freak out two days before her birthday, causing you to propose to her on the spot. Use the phrase: "You were supposed to wait until Saturday. . . " (it will be just like that scene with Kate Hudson in Bride Wars.) And she will feel silly for ruining the surprise you were planning, but you will make her the happiest woman in the world, for sure (though she may still want to throat-punch you for making her sweat like that!)

Q. What do I give my bookish writer girlfriend fiancée for her birthday?

A. Why, a vintage Underwood No. 5 standard typewriter, (the same model that her favorite author, Harper Lee, and Truman Capote used when they were children to write their first stories together,) with black glass keys and a bell still goes "ding!", is a really thoughtful gift and will make her feel like you really know her and listen to her. This will make her freak out because she's so very happy.

Q. I am a dog whose human is a bookish writer girl. In what sorts of places should I not stick my nose?

A. Please don't stick your nose in a wasps' nest, a spiders' nest, or near a venomous snake. You may get stung or bitten and have a serious allergic reaction, causing your eyes to sting and swell nearly shut, and your ears and muzzle to swell to more than twice their normal size (making you look like the Pillsbury Dough-Dog.) This will make your mommy freak out and worry about you a lot (temporarily taking her mind off of freaking out about her boyfriend’s sudden lack of interest in the M-word) and she will feed you Benadryl (which you hate) and rush you to the vet (which, strangely, you seem to like a lot) to get you a steroid shot and steroid pills (which you would hate if you had any idea they were hidden in that wet food you like so much).

Q. I am a bookish writer girl. Where can I find awesome inspiration and ideas for planning a wedding ?

A. Look at traditional bridal magazines and websites. These are designed to manipulate your emotions and sucker you into thinking that you have to spend $20,000 on "traditions" and other things (like $16 bags of heart-shaped rice) manufactured by the Wedding Industrial Complex (WIC) that now sees you as part of the most valuable segment of the consumer population. These sources will make you totally freak out at the thought of planning a wedding.

Or, check out Offbeat Bride (and the Offbeat Bride book.) And read One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding by Rebecca Mead. It’s an engaging look (pun not intended) at the evolution of marriage customs in the United States and a revealing exposé of how this WIC works (though it's a bit cynical at times, even for me). You will never look at tulle the same way again! These sources will keep you sane and help you to remember what is really important.

(Edited to add: This is not to say there is anything wrong with spending money, or having any kind of wedding you WANT to; but you shouldn't feel that you HAVE to celebrate in a certain way.)

Related Article: Review of A review of One Perfect Day.